Desperate times call for desperate measures...

Growing up into a culture that requires an explanation for everything we do can become damaging. Responsibility is good but unnecessary accountability isn't what we need. 

Most of us feel we owe to explain to the world and beyond why we do what we do, why we eat what we eat, why we sleep when we sleep, why we dress how we dress, why we love who we love, why, why, why. And why and some more why. 

At a certain point, it begins to feel like we are a bunch of cockroaches clustered in a box, choking at each other's neck.

Don't get me wrong. For every living person, there's got to be at least one person they are accountable to. Whether it be a legal or moral or physical person, that entity plays a vital part in keeping us sane and orderly. 

However. It gets out of hands trying to always explain everything. For one, your vision is not everyone else's vision. Secondo, your upbringing is not theirs. And to say the least, as much as people can sympathise, empathise or try to understand, nobody else will ever really know what you are on about.

Here is what I've found. In so trying to explain, compromise comes in, frustrations take over, and we find ourselves unhappy with ourselves. 

Obviously, if you're gonna have to explain something, you're gonna have to do it in a way to win over whoever it is you're doing the explaining to. Whether it be winning them over in the positive or the negative, you still have to explain things in a way to fit your audience. Somewhere along that explaining many of us lose our integrity, our dignity and our soul. We sell that soul to societal values, to conventional views, to morally acceptable standards, to politically correct movements, to religiously tolerable stands. Simply, to what we think is acceptable. 

You'd be surprised, however, what people actually think is acceptable. After you've done all that explaining, you come to find out there was no point to it after all because at the end of the day, there is something else people expect of you. 

Voilà. 

This explaining we are talking about is done in many many different ways. It's not just about talking. It's how we write. It's what we eat. It's how we dress. It's what we say. It's what we decide. It's where we go. It's plenty of things. Just think of all the things you'd have done differently had you been alone. Think of how free and comfortable you feel eating in your room on your own, then think of the ways in which your manner alters when someone else is around. And after all that, someone somewhere will still think they know better. 

So. What are we saying? That we should live life not caring about the persons and things that surround us? Not really.

What we are saying is that you know why you are who you are. You know why you do what you do. You know how you function. You. It's you alone. Nobody else. Show respect and be considerate to others but stick to your values and worry about one thing only: your purpose.

Certain things shouldn't be explained. Certain things can't be explained. Certain things are best not explained. I hope you got that right. We aren't breathing properly in this box-like environment of misplaced judgments and expectations. We aren't breathing. We are choked up by what everyone else thinks. We are chocked by how everyone else feels. We feel claustrophobic. We need some breathing space. Deep within us we sometimes wish there was a world with no other human being. Yep. Sometimes that thought travels through our brain.

Life is about purpose. Purpose is about you. You are the sole actor in this play. Even when others write your script, youve still got to play it out. Alone. So you better understand what you're doing and do it regardless of what we think. 

It’s okay to try again

A few hours ago, I had a clear idea of what to write for the blog. I went to my room, decided to light a candle and set to write. But as I picked up the box of matches, I made a wrong movement, dropping every single match on the floor. ‘No way!’ I sighed, annoyed that I’d have to clean this up. Without thinking, I grabbed a big chunk and placed it back inside the box. The box filled rather quickly, living half the matches on the floor. For a second I thought: well all these came from this box so how come they can’t fit back in? The answer was simple; I was putting them back in the wrong order. I either had to take them out and align them methodically to fit everything back in or bin the rest.  

With much sighing I restarted the process, placing them back in one by one, in order, until every single one of them fitted perfectly back inside. It took a little longer to fix the matches, but the process changed the subject of my article completely. It made me reflect on how easy it is for us to give up. How often we let go of opportunities, experiences and lives we could have persisted to acquire.

It is easy to feel disheartened today. The average job seeker would be familiar with the famous ‘thank you for applying for the role … unfortunately… please do try again later …’. After sending about twenty applications, it starts to feel rather personal. We wonder what is wrong with us; why nobody wants to hire us. We give it another push. Yet for many of us, the misfortune of polite rejection does not seem to take a leave. So, we get discouraged. We either lower our boundaries and settle for less, or we simply give up.

But actually, what if we take a lesson from my recent experience with the matches? Oftentimes we keep going, and that is the problem. Anxious to secure a job at all costs, we multiply applications without necessarily realising quality is lacking. After a while, it really does feel like there is no hope for us because who sends a hundred applications to no avail? This method of nonstop pursuit is problematic in all aspects of life.

It does a student very little good to cram a whole essay in for the exam, if they cannot restructure those thoughts to fit the actual essay question. It does not help to have loads of money if we are not good at budgeting, just like it does not help to look for a relationship if we are not stable within our own self. It is okay to pause. It is okay to reflect. It is okay to try again later.

A break does not necessarily mean a failure. When we stop for a little while and take a break from whatever it is that is bothering us, we get time to process and digest the situation better. Applying this method helps us come back with better and clearer plans. It allows us to be strategic about whatever it is we are doing. We regain energy and strength. We come back better equipped for the task at hand.

However, unless we actually spot the ‘issue’ in what we are doing, taking a break will only be a waste of time. If I hadn’t identified that putting matches back in the way I was doing was the problem, I would have spent time doing the same thing with the same frustration. We stop to clear our mind, to have a more holistic and objective view of the situation. That way, we figure out with better understanding different ways to go about the issue to produce the results we need.

That is where most of us need to work harder. Once we have spotted our own mistakes, we must have enough courage to try again. It’s too easy to take ‘no’ for an answer. Rejection today won’t necessarily mean rejection tomorrow and what seems like a failure today can be turned into a positive experience, if we work on it. I remember applying for a Vacation Scheme in 2016 to a firm I liked. Before long, I received the usual ‘no thank you’ email. I had to sit back and revisit my own application, to understand exactly what I had done wrong. When I spotted those mistakes, I rewrote a better application the following year, and I do have a Training Contract with that firm today.

Perseverance is key to success. It doesn’t matter how many times we are knocked down. It matters how willing we are to stand back up and try again. In most aspects of life, we will not get things right the first time. ‘Practice makes perfect’ has a lot of truth in it. If we learn to sit back and reflect before we carry on, a clearer path will be laid right before us, leading to sometimes unexpected but better pastures. In it all, it’s the willingness to recognise that something isn’t quite right, it is the ability to stop and assess the situation, and it is the readiness to try again with better equipment that will determine the outcome of any given situation.

Allow us,

Allow us to tell our story – unedited,

To explore the deep blues of our souls

And bring to land the unspoken realities of our experiences –

Allow us to dance to the rhythm of life’s many waves –

And nonchalantly wave to the dismissals of the ignorant

Please!

sit back with your shame and blame and look at us in the eyes and, listen!

We will not change to fit the box, or amend to be welcomed!

We will not give away our morals and traditions and dreams – the very things that define us!

We will not allow the storm in us to be barricaded by acceptance!

Stop!

We eat with bare hands, and have kinky hair

We take time off work to raise a labour force

We sure have an accent when we speak your language

We might be less able to do certain things

We have panic attacks and we lose it sometimes –

Some of us belong to more than one of these groups

And all of us have a distinct story to tell –

So, listen!

When you speak our language, you too have an accent!

If roles were reversed, you would act like us!

We are all just actors in life’s scripted play!

Different lines, of course, but one ultimate purpose!

It is time –

Time to do away with stereotypes,

Time to get rid of comparisons,

Time to end stigma –

Allow us to be ourselves –

Allow us to speak our minds –

Allow us to be proud of the things that make us –

To believe in the hidden Cosmos

To bear with pride the scars of our survival

Allow us to cherish what makes us different!